I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
