I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She told me I should be a condom model.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
