My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
