Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
