I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
