I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize