found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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