If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
