Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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