this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
