haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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