shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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