You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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