im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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