Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
