Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
