I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
