Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
