btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
