You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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