i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
