a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
