Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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