we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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