I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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