im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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