This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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