the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
