I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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