But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
