I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
