she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
