mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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