i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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