Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
