I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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