oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
