can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
