You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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