i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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