i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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