the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
