This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
