she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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