yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
