i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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