I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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