Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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