Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
