i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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