weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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