what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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