Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
