you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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