I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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