i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
